Beat up, Old Shoes

My sneakers. New Balance. I have had them for years. I have bought a new pair, but I always go back to the old ones. Why? They are comfortable. They fit well. Broken in shoes. I don’t want to completely replace them. I can’t throw them out. Nothing wants to be replaced with a newer model. However, I feel sorry for those shoes. They look rough. They have been though a lot. I can’t admit that those shoes are old, because then I have to admit that I have gotten older with them.


Having children in my life is a constant reminder of how old I have gotten. Have you seen the clothes they wear? Sometimes I look at kids and I ask ‘what in the world does she have on?” I was a child of the legwarmers, big Hair, Miami Vice, Walkmans, and neon colors, so I can’t really say much. I don’t understand behavior and attitudes either. Did that kid just call me ma’am? When did I become “shorty”? And why are leg warmers coming back into style!!??

Kids ‘speak’ has gotten me baffled. I have to have an interpreter sometimes to figure out what they are saying. I would never say ‘huh, what or yea’ to my parents. I had manners. I said thank you, yes and please. You are not allowed to spank your kids without the neighbors calling DSS or Child Services. A quick pop and you are sitting in the back of the ‘Po-Po’ cruiser nowadays. My mother had the fastest right hand in the south and she used it well. Trust me. I know. For real. I still have aftershocks thinking about it and the sting it had on my upper thigh. (quivers) I never figured out how she was able to hit me in the BACK seat while she was driving. I am still working on that. The worst thing I did was rolling my eyes. Yes, I suck my teeth and roll my eyes. I still do it, so I have learned nothing. Sorry Mom.


I didn’t call my teachers by their first names.  I didn’t do half the things they do now and I did a lot of …umm... stuff. I did not have Internet to aid in my mischief and I wonder how in the world we made it without cell phones, 3G downloads and GPS.  I had to pull over and find a payphone to call home. Haha. The girls asked me what that was. A PAYPHONE. You pay to use it. Duh! They were mortified at the thought.


Another example of my oldness: Transformers, the movie. Good flicks. It was a cartoon back in the day. Watched it on Saturday mornings. Took the girls to see it the movie theater. They loved it. They talked all the way home about it. I mentioned the cartoon. “What?” they ask “It was a cartoon before it was a movie?” Yikes. G.I. Joe was too. So was X-men.  That was an hour-long conversation. I was exhausted explaining how old I was.


I thought I was ‘hip’; instead it was my hip that popped. I thought I was ‘with it’ when it looks like I am without. I thought I was keeping up with technology and being tech-y: Heck. I have an MP3 player and a cool Cell Phone with Internet and all that crap. I have a Skype Account! But the kids teach me new things every day.  I have to wonder. Hmmm… “Am I really (gasp) OLD?”


I realize I am now dying my hair to hide the gray instead of hiding my true hair color. I need 8 hours of sleep instead of 4 or 5.  No more staying up all night and getting up at the crack of dawn. I take vitamins. I worry about my Blood pressure and wrinkles on my forehead. Yes, I am old. But I am not replacing those shoes!

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The "Clown" shoes

Ever wonder why the Fairy Tales have the step mothers as some evil, wart faced, "I'm going to make your life hell", demonic figure? I don’t think I look like that. I am not wart infested or deformed in any way. My head only spins around every once in a while and I always go to the other room first!! I have stepparents on either side. I never saw my Step mom’s head spin around. She never grew horns and her eyes never turned red with furry. My stepfather never made me wash the kitchen floor on my hands and knees or refused to let me go to the ball. None of my "parents" (all four of them) fought or said hateful words about each other. Civilized is a word to describe their relationships.

When I married, or actually before I married, I was wearing the best designer shoes ever. Freedom Shoes. Comfortable shoes that I never wanted to take off. Having the choice to put on those kickin' 3-inch heels and paint the town, or those strap-y sandals and cruise to the beach. Freedom shoes were the best. Even the ones that left blisters and made my feet sore had a purpose.

Ok, back to the Step Parent thing. When 2 people decide to marry and one has kids. The one who doesn't is in DENIAL. Denying that those sweet, angelic, wonderful children will ever think you are the wicked witch of the east, north, west & south. You are marrying their Dad. You are evil and you will be forced to take action! Take off those comfy shoes that fit your feet so wonderfully and slide those pedicured painted toes into... Clown shoes. They don’t fit. You’ve step into it now. Go ahead.. Flop around in them for a while. The emotion is overwhelming isn't it? Now you are STEP MOM. (dum dum dum dum) Gasp! These shoes are WAY to big for you! What now?


Now here come the issues. Oh Crap! Dad’s not home. Am I allowed to disciple them? Are they really allowed to stay up all night and eat Candy? Can they really stay out ‘til midnight? Can they do this? Can they do that? What do I do? What if they don't like me? What if I make mistakes? What if I punish them and they hate me? All those “what if’s” will drive you mad! Lucky for me, I was already a bit crazy so the drive was a short one.


I had the reality check come in. I wasn’t “Mom”. I could not fill those shoes and I didn’t want to. I had to deal with the real Mom, the Grand Mom, the Aunts and family. I had advice coming from every direction. Confusing isn’t it. I made many mistakes. MANY mistakes. I learned the hard way that just because they cry and yell, doesn’t mean they hate you. Just because they want to talk to Mommy, doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk to you too. I had to run in those clown shoes (flop flop flop flop). I tripped a few times and fell on my face. Put the fact is, I got back up and continued to run. Eventually, I stopped running in those horrid shoes. I began to walk.  Soon, those shoes began to fit a little better. I learned to accept my role and before I knew it, my role was no longer the dreaded “STEP” mom. I wasn’t evil. I was just a parent. Just like all the other parents. And they loved me no matter my title.


I love these kids. I love my husband. I love these shoes. They get to be slipped off every now and then. I get to put on my heels, my sneakers and my slippers for different occasions. But I always go back to my Clown shoes. They fit just right.

Ranting and Raving

New year. 2011 is well under way. This is the year for many emotions, changes, and rites of pasage. I have experienced many different emotions and have been involved with a plethora of debatable scenarios. I must say that Karma will come around and kick butt one day (even to me). People must realize that their actions (or inactions) cause a ripple effect. I am ranting and raving about all the things here, my escape to write it all out.

Men and woman need to be strong in their relationships. Find that inner warrior and do what needs to be done for your own well-being. Sometimes, you have to take a step back and find your self worth. Love yourself first.

I have such strong opinions on matters and when it comes to kids and their well being- I must say that first and foremost, supporting your children is a must. Excuses can only go so far, and sooner or later they can tell when you are lying. Even kids get tired of hearing excuses. It only hurts them more to have to lie back to you. Stop using guilt on children to make yourself feel better. Stop with the excuses and face your responsibilities. No one should be a Deadbeat parent. Children are a gift and a reward. I have been unable to have any of my own and I am beyond grateful to have the best step kids ever. They have influenced my life in ways I never thought could happen. I could not imagine treating them the way I have seen others do and making them feel less than perfect all the time. Criticizing and complaining about your life are unacceptable.

People will use guilt to make them feel better. It’s used to make others feel bad so in return one can get a response to make him/her self-feel good. No matter the age, sooner or later using guilt will affect even the nicest person, making them afraid and forcing them to believe that they are wrong, even when they are not.
When you use guilt or blame others, make up reasons and excuses for poor behavior or lack of responsibility: I believe that deep down you feel incomplete about yourself. Feeling crappy about your choices, your decisions and using that self-anger on others creates a thin line between love and hate. It forces people in ones life to hold in feelings and constantly worry about how they will make you feel if the truth is told.

To be forgiven, one must ask for forgiveness and want it to make amends. Don’t think that simply because you forget the bad things, that others will forget and forgive too. Some people are not built that way. I have strong feelings on disrespect and impertinence. Do not continue to go forth with the same actions. My loyalty and respect for you will decline considerably. I am not perfect in any way, shape or form. I hold grudges. Always have. Always will. Stubborn is a light word when used to describe my temperament. However, I am set in my ways. I do not believe that complete rudeness, forgetfulness or disregard or ones actions can be tolerated repeatedly. You treat people the way you would want to be treated.

Speak from the heart. Don’t hold anything back. There are times that coddling people and children will do more harm than good. It’s a thin line we walk.

Now, I am not perfect. It’s great to talk the talk and when forced to confront people, most will cower. I have learned from my husband to keep my mouth shut even when I am about to explode. (Still working on it) I have learned to control my anger and my temper. (Kids can teach you that). I have learned that some people don’t care who they hurt. I have learned that I will not change who I am for the sake of others. A great man told me once “Be you and if others don’t like it, they weren’t meant to be in your life.”

Well. That’s my rant for this week. I am sure more will come. I am using this blog as ways to self reflect on my opinions and views. Maybe I will learn something along the way.